Faith

This week I ran across a piece on faith that I wrote several years ago and remembered the conversation that it ignited and thought I'd share it today. I wrote this when we lived in England and I was going through a life and faith tranforming season. Reading it again for myself reminds me of a scripture that says there is nothing new under the sun. How true that is and this piece clearly demonstartes how cyclical life can be. It is strangely applicable, inspirational and motivational for my present season!

I recently read that the three most volatile subjects, the most responsible for wars and famines, are Money, Politics, and Religion. They divide relationships, countries, and families quicker than anything else. I have no intention of discussing any of the three in this particular writing! I do, however, intend to explore my own idea of faith, excluding all religion, money, and politics, from the mix! I really just want to explore the ever changing face of my own personal spiritual faith.

Faith is an individual expression of a person's soul. Faith looks as different to each individual as each face or fingerprint in the world. It is not something that can be bought in a box or sold to the masses. It is not something one is born with or inherits. It is acquired through whatever road this life takes you on! It is nurtured in the moments of sheer joy when you absolutely understand something of the Supernatural. It is developed in the moments of absolute pain, when tears wash away everything you ever thought you knew. It is gathered as you walk your pathway in life and meet souls along the way that teach you, inspire you, love you, hate you, support you, disagree with you, and accept you. It isn't something tangible or even always explainable. Faith is the connection of a flawed and hopeless human being to the Supernatural.

If my theory is anywhere near correct, then I find myself at a crossroads of faith. My pathway has taken me across a big wide ocean to a new country. My pathway has brought me to a place where I am encountering new people, new ideas, new culture, and new experiences. My spiritual journey has brought me to a place of new beginnings. It is requiring me to start over, to wipe away all that was my life and create again. Now, creating something, whether it is with words, a picture, art, drama, music, whatever....is something that gives me life! The idea now, at this crossroads of my life and faith, leaves me intimidated, fearful, and unsure.

When life has taken me to a place that I cannot navigate alone, this is exactly where my Faith must kick in! This is where my Faith works itself out, shows its true nature, and reveals its character. It is at the crossroads of my life that my faith has grown and matured. It reveals itself in the moment when I stand at the edge of the cliff deciding if I jump and find a new path or turn around and return to the road I was already traveling. It is at this point that my own personal faith chooses an intimate relationship with God, Creator of the universe.  This relationship excludes all religion and tradition, it simply strips away all the external nonsense and finds its way inside to the quiet recesses of my soul, where it is just me and God.

So, the state of my faith right now is a very intimate, raw, and honest conversation with the Almighty about my fear, intimidation, and uncertainty. I must admit, that because of my personality, it is more a really loud argument, negotiation, and persuasive speech.  The Almighty’s side of the conversation is a gentle whisper reassuring me that I can offer my soul at this crossroads and He will take care of it. I encountered a verse in the Bible this week that He is whispering in my ear over and over.  1 Peter 5:6 – “So be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you, He’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God, He is most careful with you.” And so, as I sit on the floor throwing, what in all practical sense amounts to a spiritual tantrum, He asks me to live carefree before Him and tells me He is most careful with me.

The antithesis to my Faith and intimate relationship with the Divine is my head. My head requires explanation, the big picture, logic, and reason. The spiritual seeker in me has to test, doubt, and question the very nature of a Supernatural being that would be so kind. What is He up to? What does He want? My faith and head are always at odds with each other. There is no logic or reason to much of our life, our journey, or our faith….that is why it is so difficult to work out! And it ALWAYS requires risk. Each act of individual faith requires me to take a risk, no matter which crossroads I find myself traveling. The risk is huge and overwhelming…risk of failing, being judged, being wrong, being right, being rejected, and too many more to list.

So the question of faith I am asking myself these days is, “Is it worth the risk?” I understand there are all sorts of very spiritual answers some may choose at this point. I can even name a few I am saying to myself! There are all sorts of pre-packaged religious and intellectual sayings and quotes that would seem to be an appropriate response to someone asking that question. But maybe the wiser response is to let the question hang in the air, dangling over the edge of this crossroads, and allow my Faith to work it out, in its own time and its own way. Just as each of you must work out your Faith on the journey your life has you on! I hope that you will each ask those same questions as you travel your journey.

Change

Change is an inevitable part of life. I am normally the kind of person that responds well to change. I can find some bit of positivity, hope, and new life in most changes. Change usually breaths new life into me and makes me excited for possibility. But sometimes life throws me a curve ball and pops a change into my "life's glove" that I'm not really sure how to process. That's where I'm at today. Life threw me a curve ball and I'm just not quite sure how to sit with it. My heart is always moved towards people, so changes that involve people seem to be more difficult for me. I truly believe that people are more important than things and so changes that hurt people, hurt me. Honestly, that's so annoying to me! I wish I were one of those "thinker types" and could logically process a situation and come to a very logical, neat, and sorted conclusion! One free of any perception, emotion, or empathy. I guess I don't really wish that for me, cause that would change me into a version of myself I wouldn't enjoy, I just sort of wish it for me today.

A phrase I've used often is "Life is dynamic and always changing. True character reveals itself in the crossroads of change." If I'm being totally honest, my automatic response to this change has left me questioning my character. My automatic response was to withdraw, run away, and hide. I didn't want to think about it, talk about, and certainly not feel it! In this change, and because of the circumstances surrounding it, I just have this longing to be someone different than I am. I long to be disconnected, unattached, and logically sorted. Unfortunately, that is just not who I am! I'm not totally certain if it's personality, character, or both, that continually drives me to care, to perceive, to love, and to feel. So, I suppose the fact that my heart is so heavy does reveal more about my character than the fact that I just wanted to run away.

This week I have been working on Strength Finders and trying to discover my strengths. The timing of this discovery sort of sucks and is awesome...all at the same time. I am faced with the reality of who I am and it gives me clues into why this change is so terribly difficult to me. I appreciate the basis for Strength Finders which is to spend your energy developing who you are and your natural talents, instead of spending all your energy and focus on your weaknesses and deficiencies. I think the majority of my adult life has been about overcoming my faults, healing my past, and strengthening my weaknesses. The idea that maybe this very difficult change could drive me to take a stand in my own heart and refuse to focus on my weaknesses and truly celebrate my strengths, is encouraging. The fact that I might be able to find a way to pave a road for myself where I could build on the natural talents I already have and flourish in them is very exciting.

So, even in the midst of this difficult change, I am drawn to find the good thread and purpose in it. Even though, I struggle to make sense of it, I'm drawn to have confidence that I am not the Holder of the Universe and Creator of the future. Even though it hurts and is difficult, I am compelled to see that this is another opportunity for me to grow and learn.

Basic Math

Basic math, as I understand it, says that 1 + 1 = 2 and many variations of the same idea. I did not excel in Math and I am very happy to accept that. But the truth is, many times we want to apply Basic Math to our lives, our families, our faith, and our journeys. Im not sure that is a fair application for our own personal growth and life journeys. The Basic Math Life Theory goes something like this,

IF I put 1 Man + 1 Woman, it will equal = Happily ever after. IF I put 1 Career + 1 Ambition, it will = Success. IF I put 1 Broken Past + 1 Wounded Adult, it will = Addiciton.

You're following my line of thinking now, right? So, we live our lives, make our choices, and relate to others on the construction that life follows the rules of Basic Math. But, what if it doesn't? I suppose you could invert each of these Math equations to their opposite.

IF I put 1 Man + 1 Woman, it will equal = Nightmare ever after. IF I put 1 Career + 1 Ambition, it will = Repeat Failures. IF I put 1 Broken Past + 1 Wounded Adult, it will = Wounded Healer.

What if there was a divine calculator that had different Math Rules? What if the way we add up the parts of our life bring us to a surprising discovery? It reminds of the lyrics to a song by a band called 10th Avenue North.

You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,

You are more than the problems you create,

You've been remade.

How do you see your life in the construction of the Basic Math Life Theory? How could you see it differently if you apply the divine calculator and invert the theory? What unlimited possibilities could your life hold if this new theory applied to you?

Pencil in the Hand of God

A couple of years ago I came across an interview that Time Magazine did with Mother Theresa in 1989.  If you're interested, you can read it here http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,959149,00.html?promoid=googlep She eloquently communicate something that connected to my soul. When asked if she had any special qualities, she responded,

"I don't claim anything of the work. It is His work. I am like a little pencil in His hand. That is all. He does the thinking. He does the writing. The pencil has nothing to do with it."

This resonated with me in such a profound way that I needed to find a way to visually express the concept. Below is the photo I took that day, that hangs in a gallery wrap in my home office as a daily reminder that I am just a pencil in the hand of God.

Little Shove

Have you ever felt like there are divine hands on your back getting ready to give you a little shove in a new direction? A time where you keep hearing the same thing in disconnected places. A time where too many coincidences happen way too quickly. A time where your life is a web of confusion, but if you stop for just a minute and look into the center on the web, it begins to come into focus. Yeah, me too!

I'm making a choice to give into that shove rather than push against it, thus this blog. You see, I made a vow to myself when I was 15 and I've been running from it ever since. I can clearly remember the day. I sat in English class on the second floor of Western High School in Las Vegas. My teacher had just handed me a paper I had written and delivered it with a lofty compliment. I told myself that day, "Maybe I was created to write, maybe this was a gift, maybe I have something to say...and IF I was created to do this and IF it was a gift, then I should definitely do that some day!"

Vows we make with ourselves are unique because they aren't just in our head, they are in our souls. God has a funny way of reminding us of the things we say to ourselves, to others, and even to Him. It takes a significant amount of faith to keep any vow, to answer a call, or to exercise a gift. So, I guess I'm a bit stubborn and a bit slow, but here I am ____ years later (Ha! You thought I was going to tell!!) doing what I told myself and God I would do.

I'm not totally sure what it says about me that it took decades and a divine shove to get me to obey, but I suppose we can explore that another time!