Change

Change is an inevitable part of life. I am normally the kind of person that responds well to change. I can find some bit of positivity, hope, and new life in most changes. Change usually breaths new life into me and makes me excited for possibility. But sometimes life throws me a curve ball and pops a change into my "life's glove" that I'm not really sure how to process. That's where I'm at today. Life threw me a curve ball and I'm just not quite sure how to sit with it. My heart is always moved towards people, so changes that involve people seem to be more difficult for me. I truly believe that people are more important than things and so changes that hurt people, hurt me. Honestly, that's so annoying to me! I wish I were one of those "thinker types" and could logically process a situation and come to a very logical, neat, and sorted conclusion! One free of any perception, emotion, or empathy. I guess I don't really wish that for me, cause that would change me into a version of myself I wouldn't enjoy, I just sort of wish it for me today.

A phrase I've used often is "Life is dynamic and always changing. True character reveals itself in the crossroads of change." If I'm being totally honest, my automatic response to this change has left me questioning my character. My automatic response was to withdraw, run away, and hide. I didn't want to think about it, talk about, and certainly not feel it! In this change, and because of the circumstances surrounding it, I just have this longing to be someone different than I am. I long to be disconnected, unattached, and logically sorted. Unfortunately, that is just not who I am! I'm not totally certain if it's personality, character, or both, that continually drives me to care, to perceive, to love, and to feel. So, I suppose the fact that my heart is so heavy does reveal more about my character than the fact that I just wanted to run away.

This week I have been working on Strength Finders and trying to discover my strengths. The timing of this discovery sort of sucks and is awesome...all at the same time. I am faced with the reality of who I am and it gives me clues into why this change is so terribly difficult to me. I appreciate the basis for Strength Finders which is to spend your energy developing who you are and your natural talents, instead of spending all your energy and focus on your weaknesses and deficiencies. I think the majority of my adult life has been about overcoming my faults, healing my past, and strengthening my weaknesses. The idea that maybe this very difficult change could drive me to take a stand in my own heart and refuse to focus on my weaknesses and truly celebrate my strengths, is encouraging. The fact that I might be able to find a way to pave a road for myself where I could build on the natural talents I already have and flourish in them is very exciting.

So, even in the midst of this difficult change, I am drawn to find the good thread and purpose in it. Even though, I struggle to make sense of it, I'm drawn to have confidence that I am not the Holder of the Universe and Creator of the future. Even though it hurts and is difficult, I am compelled to see that this is another opportunity for me to grow and learn.